What have YOU got that's for sale?
Me. I'm on special offer for 36 hours only.
Must end on Sunday. What kind of a bargain are YOU? You haven't heard the offer yet.
I've heard your offers before!
I'm available in three colours.
I know - I've seen your washing. Three mucky shades of grey! Stop climbing up to my window!
Romeo used to climb up to Juliet's window.
Not dressed like that, he didn't!
Why don't I come in and check for woodworm? The only worm here is outside, standing on a ladder!
Tha's got a wicked tongue! Have I caught thee at a bad time?
It's ALWAYS a bad time.
Now, don't forget, 36 hours and the offer closes.
Your mouth wants closing.
I'm offering me, some assorted ferrets,
and the use of my premises as a weekend cottage.
It were Wally's wish that you moved in with me. When did he say that? Every Saturday.
Oh-h...!
Just off to work, are we, Barry?
Oh. Just off to work, Mr Truelove.
You see how I spotted that? Police powers of observation.
It gets so it's almost uncanny. Oh... You needed your wits about you just to stay alive where I was.
Police work must be dangerous. The danger was more being married to the former Mrs Truelove.
A woman of strong opinions, with a mouth to match.
Not the sort you'd enjoy having influenza with. Glenda... There's nobody I'd rather feel horrible with.
It's true, then? You're happily married, Barry? Yes, Mr Truelove.
I'd heard that. Didn't believe it. Something you learn in the police.
Always check the quality of your information. You don't deny it? Why should I deny it, Mr Truelove?
Seems to fly in the face of nature.
I wouldn't worry about it. You'll probably get over it. I don't want to. I LIKE being happily married.
Have you thought of seeing somebody about it? They can do wonderful things these days.
I must be going, Mr Truelove.
Why bother, lad? They won't be impressed by a bit of punctuality.
If you go around being happily married, people will question your judgement. You won't get promotion.
It's the ones who are forceful at home who get the managerial plums.
How forceful? Nothing extravagant.
You don't have to go all Henry VIII.
Just master in your own household, that's all.
Master? Mm.
Well, I must be going, Barry. I'm glad we've had this little chat.
KNOCKING ON DOOR If that's Howard, I've moved.
I'm working on an oil rig in Alaska,
which is even wilder and more remote than your love life, Howard.
Come on, Cleggy. Not if it has anything to do with Marina. It hasn't. I'll trust you this once,
on account of I have a flair for being incredibly stupid. Has the postlady been?
Don't tell me you're involved with the postlady now!
She looks terrible in uniform, reads people's postcards. I'm not involved!
How can you say that? I'm happily married.
I've ALWAYS been happily married!!
That's what Barry said.
But I think I've put a dent in THAT.
You've not been pulling Barry's leg? Just a smidgen.
What's this about you and the postlady? Couldn't you just collect stamps?
There's nothing between me and the postlady. I wondered if she'd been.
..I'm expecting a package, that's all.
So why aren't you expecting it in your place? It's not going to that address.
Look at that guilty expression. You could arrest one like that on sight. WHAT address is it going to, Howard?
Well, it's coming here.
Thought you wouldn't mind receiving a package for me. He's at it again!
If she's not been, I'll pop back later. WHAT is in the package, Howard?
Oh, it's quite harmless. Nothing to worry about. So how come you're so worried about Pearl seeing it?
What time is it? Since when have YOU been interested in the time?
I thought you only reacted to your biological clock. I do, but I think it's fast.
It is at meal times. It's ten to.
Ah, well, only 30 hours to the end of me sale.
What sale? Me.
To Nora Batty at a special rate.
Must end Sunday. Has there been much demand? Um...I've had one or two enquiries.
Don't lie. They wouldn't have you as a gift at Oxfam. Why a sale?
Show 'em the time frame. Limit my availability. Get her worried a bit.
Did she look worried when you told her? She ALWAYS looks worried when we talk. It's those trousers.
You never know when they'll go off.
Never mind about Nora Batty. What are we going to do about Howard?
See if that postlady's come yet.
Is she the fat one with the wobble?
Maybe SHE'D be interested in your sale offer. As WELL as Nora?
What would I do with two of 'em?
Have you thought about time-share?
What if they both wanted the same week?
For a start, I'd have to mend that puncture on me bike.
VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS SPEECH
Don't ever do that again, Barry!
Hey, relax. You're safe.
The master's in the house.
Maybe I should just start with our integral garage.
Master of our integral garage(!)
Ah, Cleggy!
Oh, I'm glad I've caught you. You usually do!
The postlady left A PARCEL for you.
For me? Oh, goody(!)
Hey-up, Cleggy. A PARCEL! Very kind of you to take it in, Howard.
No problem. What're neighbours for?
Strangulation springs to mind.
From the Elegant Wig And Hairpiece Company.
It's a lie! Obviously, a case of mistaken identity.
Don't be shy, man. Your secret's safe with us.
I must say, Norman, I never had you spotted as a customer of The Elegant Wig And Hairpiece Company.
I bet there's a woman behind it.
There's a little barmpot behind it!
He's been like a spring chicken.
"I wonder if it's come yet? Me parcel from the Elegant Wig And Fireplace Company?"
Which one did you settle for? The Barry Gibb model?
You must let us have a look at you, Norman. In all your crowning glory.
It's NOT mine! Don't be shy, Cleggy, we fully understand. I'm sure you've got the support of us all.
See you later. Makes me thirsty.
He's always dropping me in it.
He gets me so entangled. I have to worry about Pearl as much as HE does!
You've become an extended family. How heartwarming(!)
KNOCKING ON DOOR That'll be him. Come for his wig.
Howard? He'll look like something motorists dangle in their rear windows. And lovelier than Marina.
Here it is. I hope it is not house-trained and it wets all over your carpet.
(No, not yet. I daren't take it.)
I think she's suspicious.
Susp...
Who would be suspicious of YOU(?) I don't understand it meself.
But I'm wondering if she's beginning to think that I'M the one who ordered the wig.
You ARE the one who ordered it. If you're going to get technical...
How long d'you want Clegg to keep it? Until she gets used to the idea that it's really his.
Once she thinks that, I can accept delivery. It's not stopping here! Suppose it gets out of its box?
I think Howard has a suggestion.
What d'you have in mind, Howard?
Well, I was thinking, if Pearl could just see you WEARING the wig...
APPROACHING VEHICLE
Car giving you trouble, Barry? No! Car's fine, Mr Pegden.
You're sure, now? Yes, Mr Pegden. Absolutely fine.
It's marriage I was wanting to ask you about, Mr Pegden. I'm better with engines, lad.
Straightforward logic about engines.
I wondered what you thought the secret of a good marriage was. For me, living in a shed.
..You don't LIVE in the shed.
No, but it's close.
Are you master in your house?
Are you kidding? Why d'you think I live in a shed?
Some people think the secret of a good marriage is being master in their house.
I expect some people who think like that are probably divorced.
Yeah, I think he is, actually. Well, there you go, then.
No.
It's a dear little thing. You might get attached to it.
No. Bet it's nice and snug in winter.
So is a hot-water bottle. I'd sooner wear THAT!
You can do it. All he wants is for you to walk past his window.
It's...not even my colour.
TRY the wig.
Let's get this over with and you can pass it on to Howard.
If I try it, I don't want anybody laughing. Who's going to laugh?
I knew it!
You're not putting it on right.
If you put it on right, nobody's going to laugh.
There. That's better.
When you were married, were you in charge? You have to be, love.
They're not good with budgets and money.
Oh, they can't sit in a chair properly. They need keeping away from your better furniture.
Barry's quite good with money.
I've really no excuse for being in charge. They need a firm hand.
You'll be doing him a kindness. That's what I think.
It's for his own good.
I think they know that, really.
As long as you keep telling them often enough.
No!
All you have to do is walk past Pearl's. There's no reason anybody else'd see you.
Then you can take it off. I feel dozens of chapel-goers turning in their graves. Suits you at the back.
Reminds me strongly of Beethoven. It'll make a huge difference at the next pub piano. DORIS Beethoven(?)
Try it with your cap.
Maybe it'll look better with your cap.
It doesn't fit! I'll kill that Howard! Don't bother - he'll probably die laughing.
Only joking. You look quite beautiful from some angles.
You DO realise that I shall have to resign from the SS Old Comrades Association?
Howard? Clegg's ready.
He's never looked lovelier. Make sure Pearl sees him.
On your marks, then, Goldilocks(!) Let's get it over with.
Clegg's in the wig. Is anyone around?
There's nobody about.
Of course, he could be lying.
Right, just a steady stroll past Pearl's doorway and it's done.
If we meet anyone I know, it's not me. It's a distant relative. VERY distant.
Cheeky! Tha' looks delicious!
NOISY CLANGING
This'll stop you feeling like your distant cousin from Macclesfield. Did it look as bad as it felt?
Oh, aye, just as bad. Thanks(!)
It's not you. In a wig like that, everyone's gonna look like an idiot.
Especially Howard.
But Howard IS an idiot. Now he's gonna LOOK like one. Yes, well...
I'd like to see HIM wearing it.
That could be arranged.
I think I'd like that. I'd REALLY like that.
It's probably vindictive and sneaky, but, yes...I'd like it.
It IS vindictive and sneaky. We ALL like it.
Does it bite?
..You ought to keep it on a lead.
CRASHING
Digging deeply into my vast reserves of cunning and trickery,
I believe I've got it.
Have it. It were crawling on me. I flicked it in your direction. What was it?
Um... I don't know. It had 33 legs... and a thing like a can opener.
They come here illegally in crates of bananas.
They're invariably fatal.
Every time.
Why flick it onto me? If tha's not dead by now, it probably missed.
I wonder if it eats wigs.
We need the wig. I've got an idea.
For dropping Howard in it?
WELL in it. I like it already.
The thing to do is to get word to Howard that Marina's seen you in the wig and finds it very attractive.
Well, she WOULD. In that wig, he looks very attractive.
I'm not wearing it again, especially near Marina! You don't have to.
Relax, little Goldilocks. Eat your porridge.
What matters is that Howard THINKS Marina likes him in the wig. I wonder if Nora would like me in one.
That's not our priority at the moment. 'Ey-up! It's MY priority.
I've got a gorgeous head of hair. She might like a change of colour.
When you're around, she DOES change colour!
How long will you be?
I shan't be long. I've to treat meself, like the doctor said.
That won't take long. Not the way I do it.
What's your idea of a treat?
I enjoyed selling the doctor that load of old rubbish which goes well with his daft ideas.
What'll he do with seven brass stair carpet rods? Not beyond the ingenuity of a medical man.
Stay awake and keep your eye open for shoplifters. Shoplifters?
What do I do if I catch one? I can't tell you officially.
Just don't leave any blood stains.
Oh...
('Ey-up, Smiler!)
In charge, are we, Smiler? It's a big responsibility.
How would you like a simpler job, requiring the minimum intelligence, effort and initiative?
You know. Tailor-made.
What job? Just a bit of road-testing. Oh, I could do that.
What d'you want road-tested?
This.
She wears them "legging" things.
I always think it's a bad sign.
Her mother would die.
Her mother DID die. I know!
She'd die all over again.
If she saw her daughter walking openly in the town in them leggings.
Looks like two satellite dishes arguing which way to focus.
Whatever you're selling, we're not buying! I'm not selling.
I've declared a ceasefire. Temporarily.
It could be a trick.
I'm a customer. The doctor says I've got to learn how to relax, get a social life.
..Spend more...
MORE?! Spending ANYTHING would be a starter!
Have you got a menu?
How much for your full breakfast? Full breakfast? It's on there.
HOW much?! You can afford it.
But I couldn't enjoy it at those prices! They're very competitive!
How much for tea and toast?
It's there. Towards the bottom.
SHE WINCES
How much is a cup of tea?
Under "Beverages".
I'll have HALF a cup of tea.
You call that spending?
It feels more like throwing it away.
I didn't really ought to be drinking with three men. Still...
I suppose there's safety in numbers.
There's one of her and three of us. How come I'M the one who feels outnumbered?
Don't show you're afraid. Give her a biscuit, she'll follow anywhere.
They tell me you're a lady who wouldn't mind doing a man a favour.
You mustn't listen to those rumours.
The gentleman and I are good friends.
It's Smiler. He needs some help. I've noticed that.
He needs to feel more secure with his image. Would YOU feel secure with THAT image?
He's too tall. Your "really deadly with the women" only comes in my size.
I s'pose they like to know that you won't shrink any further.
Will you pay attention? I'm working for Smiler here.
We'd like you to help him gain confidence. Well...
I'm sure I'll do anything... within the bounds of propriety. He's started wearing a wig.
We'd like you to pretend that you really like him in the wig.
How much do I really have to like him? Nothing excessive. Just make it convincing. Merciful heavens!
As much as THAT!
Throw tha arms around him and give him a kiss. I see.
Something along these lines...
That's it. That's terrific.
It all went black. Are me lips on straight?
My Barry's quite persuasive with his theories on why a husband should be master of the house.
Not in MY house.
Get him a shed.
Oh, she's very young.
Keep him outdoors more. Improves their general condition.
I blame all this central heating.
They're much better for a touch of frost.
Mine could do with cooling down.
Don't you think marriage should be a democracy?
Well, if he wants to share things, let him do the ironing.
DOORBELL RINGS It'll be Barry. I asked him to call.
Come in, love. Are you not ready yet? There's no hurry. Have a drink.
I don't think I've time. MOTHER: Bring him in for a drink!
..Well, just ONE drink.
They'd like to see you. See me? Tell them how you told me.
Explain why you think a man should be master in his house.
How d'you mean it's a dangerous wig?
The way it pulls the birds.
It's deadly. Frightening. Makes you wonder if it isn't some illegal continental wig.
It ought to be in a plain brown envelope. That's what it reminds me of - a plain brown envelope. ..Oww!
It doesn't look deadly on him.
He looks like a big girl! Maybe to you. You wait. You'll see.
Watch the reaction when ladies see it.
Who's the handsome, tall stranger,
with the magnificent head of hair?
It's not mine. I'm just wearing it for a friend.
Well, let's not fight it... whoever you are.
Sugar-puss!
Stop him before he deprives her of oxygen!
I want my wig back!
Have you any idea of how you look?
Not to everybody. Some people like this wig. I like this wig.
I love this wig. I may decide always to wear this wig.
So what're you going to do about it? Guess.
Put the kettle on, love, while I give this wig back to Cleggy.
Here. Give it here.
"Could THIS be the missing piece?" he asked himself.
The thing that works the magic with Nora Batty.
"Could this be a total idiot?" he asks himself.
Close.
Tha can have me on approval for a fortnight.
Don't miss this exciting 15-day offer!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd